astray

reality.

2011-09-13T00:12:00.001+08:00

我相信苦涩的眼泪
不相信甜美的誓言。

self deluded.

2011-08-24T23:12:00.003+08:00

谁知極限不是崩溃，
不是自暴自弃
而是伪装。

一种悲伤的伪装。

... an llipsis.

2011-08-23T22:50:00.003+08:00

but saying it's a defensive move
might be seen as an excuse.

it doesn't matter, though.

heart of metal

2011-08-16T10:43:00.002+08:00

another 'clunk' sounded
on my metal padded shoulders
another weight to carry
on this tiny scrawny body
submerging in self pity
loathing every second of it
it isn't words of comfort i'm seeking
it more isn't the need for help
or attention

it doesn't exist here

2011-08-12T23:19:00.003+08:00

once, i drop at the mention of your name
the beautiful tinkle sending butterflies to my stomach
making me queasy, making me sick
your touch i long so much
my sanity losing
burning at the tips.
i shall go to bed now
for you to invade my dreams
tonight

2011-08-11T14:51:00.002+08:00

a pounding head and an aching body
so much too much from a dying love
questions of worthiness questions
to deny. it wasn't self voluntary,
it was what was to be done.

you had me deceived, i have you played
it wasn't difficult,
nothing ever was
now who is the biggest fool
i ponder once again.

One way street

2011-08-05T15:31:00.001+08:00

All directions point me towards you but you are pointing me away, from you.

i never liked the cold

2011-06-26T18:55:00.000+08:00

In your arms
Beneath the covers
I was warm
Safe from the chill
Of the outside world
I wanted to stay
Wrapped up in you
But now the blanket is gone
Leaving me shivering
And exposed
While I wait for you
To come back to me

顿悟

2011-06-20T23:04:00.001+08:00

原来，最伤心的，不是失去，
而是在可以拥有时没有好好珍惜；

原来，最难过的，不是分手，
而是你已经完全没感觉不再爱我；

原来，最遗憾的，不是离开，
而是从头到尾都不敢好好地去爱。

不知道在妄想什么

2011-06-11T23:19:00.003+08:00

天下没有不散的宴席
也没有不落幕的剧情。

即使完美无瑕，
也只是表面功夫。
你不明白的，
永远超乎你想像。

曾經相信，
曾經失望。

and the crown-less shall again, be king.

2011-05-07T00:42:00.003+08:00

evil lurks around you,
you are no different.

my triumphant days will be back,
where i answer to no one.

little people blocking my way,
look down upon them i shall.
disdain written on my face.

never worthy,
and never shall be.

still as real as could be.

2011-05-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

what have i done,
to deserve this.

to be looked down upon,
to have everything changed.

i changed route,
but i am still me

aren't i?

here we are, at a junction.

2011-04-29T22:28:00.003+08:00

there are parts of me that you can't accept,
and there are parts of me that i can't accept.

i cannot leave myself,
unlike you.
i will never have an option,
unlike you.

say your goodbyes and leave for good,
before you hurt yourself.
literally included.

it's all in my mind.

2011-04-27T00:09:00.002+08:00

You were what I have always wanted.
You had something I would never find in another.
Something that pulls me towards you.
You were what I really want.

You, were never real.

troubles will cease, eventually.

2011-04-23T00:41:00.002+08:00

never a moment like this,
have i ever felt more alone
it isn't the need to have someone beside
it more isn't the need,
to hear words of comfort.

just leave me alone,
till the morning sky lights up
and the cheerful chirping begins.
i'll be reminded that it's a new day
and that troubles of yesterday
are not allowed today.

To infinity, but not beyond.

2011-04-16T00:12:00.001+08:00

Time fell asleep on duty.
Seizing the opportunity, I grabbed your hand.

We set ourselves free.

we collided and burst into flames.

2011-04-13T00:06:00.001+08:00

You and me.
Two individuals.
Floating around space aimlessly and freely.
One day, we collided. Sparks sparkled.
Everything changed.
A new story began.
A heartache to be told.

2010-11-26T23:40:00.002+08:00

check in with the mirror
and see what you've become.
lies after lies,
escaping your pathetic mouth.
spinning more and more,
in hopes of them becoming true.

me, i can't even bear to talk to you.

2010-10-26T00:30:00.004+08:00

the helplessness in her words
those words were all she could think of
and they were all she needed
to express her thoughts and feeling

they are stirring something in me
making my heart ache
and i sigh at how fragile we are
and how we all wished to be save.

2010-10-25T18:19:00.002+08:00

you chewed me well,
and spat me out.
you make me want you so much
and left me dying on the cold hard floor.

now, now.
keep those demons down
let your desires burn
but never to see the light.

last of the last.

2010-10-08T00:41:00.004+08:00

i never wanted to leave you behind,
but i had to go,
just like how you left.
i can't fight anymore,
not now maybe later
if there ever is a chance.

i miss you
but i really have to go now.

what if the lies were all true?

2010-09-28T23:46:00.005+08:00

keeping the truth under covers
hiding it well, even from myself
tonight tonight
i shall face them,
face the naked truth,
the truth that changed me
into a deceiving liar.
do not disturb,
i will hang it on my doorknob.
but oh,
i hope you are not submissive.

a storm is brewing.

2010-09-27T00:44:00.003+08:00

trembling hands and a head full of thoughts.
quiet, keep silent, sit still.
a disorder, caused by anxiety.
biting nails and an uneasy expression.
something is coming,
or it might have came.
suppress it, keep it down.

'but keep your guards high'
she says to me.
and that i shall do.

innocence.

2010-09-25T23:25:00.002+08:00

dubious about the world's innocence
under this weak moonlight
not my doing, no it's you.
devoured my heart
in similar ways
to how the moon is being swallowed
into the dark
but amidst the black skies
lies massive luminous balls of plasma
stars, as you might call them
blinking weakly.
for in every hopelessness
you will find a glimmer of hope.

otherwise

2010-09-19T01:07:00.001+08:00

you should know,
you should know
but sadly, you don't.

my aloof expressions,
you don't understand them
so you are mistaken,
thinking i don't care.

but it's okay,
it's okay
i should know better,
i should.

do you know,
maybe you should know.
know my silence,
know my indifference.

but it's okay,
it's really okay.

you know me,
but not completely.
i know you,
no, i knew you.

2010-09-13T16:28:00.002+08:00

stuck in a recurring moment,
hitting dead ends over again.
the vague vision of you,
like a blurred picture
printed in vivid colours
slowly fading to grey.
burning out all the imperfections,
starting from your face.
and all that's left
were ashes on the ground.

from the bottom up.

2010-09-12T14:34:00.003+08:00

with music playing by my ears,
relaxing every muscle in my body.
letting the soft music flow through my veins,
slipping in and out of sleep.
i fought to be conscious,
wanting to familiarize with this heavenly emotion.
my soul was taken on a journey,
an euphoric sense.
this beautiful blissfulness
i can never describe with words.
and as bliss invokes sleep,
i gave in.

crowned,

2010-09-10T12:42:00.000+08:00

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

right in your face.

2010-09-09T21:37:00.004+08:00

you tug at my heart strings,
like the rippling of the waves.
your every word and affection
towards her, cutting off pieces of you on me.

thank god it's finally over.
for i have learned nothing,
but to love myself more.
and i have gained nothing,
but more insights.
now i take solace,
for better happiness to come my way

feeling a moment

2010-09-06T22:54:00.005+08:00

you lighted your cigarette
i watched as you dragged it.
ashes fell to the ground,
my eyes following it.
mesmerized by the way you blew smoke out,
couldn't take my eyes off you.
fogging up my thoughts
my face became expressionless
as i inhale what you exhaled.
captivated by the way you work,
i was transported to another dimension.
the smell lingered around my nose,
i closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
i have to remember this smell,
i have to remember you.

never been better.

2010-09-03T23:00:00.002+08:00

doesn't matter,
nothing matters and nothing ever mattered.

what good does biting the lips and frowning do?
nothing.
it just makes everything hit you harder.
it makes you even worse.
it forces you to admit you are miserable.

i am miserable.

2010-08-29T21:03:00.002+08:00

tonight, i am vulnerable.
tears welling up at every thought,
threatening to roll down.
everything seems to be going down
down the way i prospected.
killing me from the inside,
slowly and painfully.

tonight, i give in.
i give up.

no, not a fisherman.

2010-08-26T20:58:00.003+08:00

tangled up in this little game of yours,
but no, i am not alone.
you hauled your net in,
not a big catch
but one, you only wanted one.
you took your pick,
after thinking hard and long.
threw the other fishes on the boat,
you left them struggling
after charming each and every one.
you threw them on the boat,
turned and walked away.
you left them to die,
without a second glance.

such a simple task

2010-08-25T18:55:00.003+08:00

the music travelled to my ears
and before i could yell stop,
images played before my eyes.
i keep a straight face, until i saw you
at that instance,
everything became so difficult.
even breathing.

i can't let go

2010-08-21T00:12:00.003+08:00

but i know so well,
of how much you can't be mine.
yet i can't let go,
i have to hold on.
and for that,
everyone says i'm sick, gravely.

oh how i wish to see everything clearly,
but the more i try, the more i fail to.
i thought i reached heaven,
yet disappointments never cease to exist.

i want to see the clearer picture,
yet the more i see, the more my heart aches.

2010-08-19T21:43:00.002+08:00

i spilled you out on paper,
scribbling madly, pouring you out.
i thought it will be enough,
to get you out of my veins
and out of my system.
but as i write,
you dug yourself deeper in
and an intense pain hit me.
i lost you to an epiphany,
we both lost to time.

and since then, i've been trapped.

badass reality

2010-08-12T00:38:00.003+08:00

you held my hand and told me forever
i was naive, but i didn't believe
it never existed, for me at least
but you went on and on
saying things you never once said
it was the last day of our lives
nothing is going to stop you now
so you went on and on
i was smiling wide
holding your hand and looking in your eyes
those sad eyes of yours
i listen to you talk
all words hit me so hard
and you went on and on
your words they burn
on my skin
carved themselves on my bones
and settled in my heart
i opened my mouth, wanting to speak
but i woke up.

it rained for more than 365 days.

2010-08-05T20:42:00.002+08:00

You were the salvation I always have in mind,
when everything is about to crumble.
But you failed to see that,
and I never got the chance to tell it to you.
So you left me in the end.

But I never left you.

2010-08-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

but she knows, although she sees the light
that greater darkness lies beyond.
she cringes in her sleep,
unable to wake up. no,
unwilling to wake up.
lying horizontally, so comforting to her.
close to death, she felt.

2010-08-01T19:04:00.002+08:00

If only my words could be as beautiful as you are.
But this is nothing. Writing is a way for me to fill empty space,
loneliness, boredom. It's an excuse.
It's "I'm not alone, I'm writing!"
I am alone, but if words will bring me to you, then I'll keep writing.
Maybe one day, I'll combine these alphabets just right and the language
will again bring me to you.

underground

2010-07-28T21:31:00.002+08:00

in a dark tunnel all on my own.
i never did once tell you,
how afraid i am of the dark.
i couldn't do this alone,
but alone was the only way out.
i open my eyes wide, straining till they hurt
made out small lights,
lights smaller than a fullstop.
blinking, i thought i found my hope, my light
i try to grasp them,
but all i caught was empty space.
brought me up to the skies,
and slammed down hard on the concrete floor.

i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel,
stand rooted, i will lest i stray.
waiting, no, not waiting.
stumbling my way out,
finding an exit of my own.

nothing is going to be enough.

2010-07-27T00:33:00.001+08:00

my heart, enveloped by darkness.
swallowing me up, polluting my mind
and every other part of me.
restless, when it comes to you
unable to stop the mind from wandering,
i sink deeper into reality
and immersing myself in my sad sad world.
injecting hope into my veins,
increasing dosage every minute on the hour,
no matter how helpless it seemed.

impulsive is tonight.
for hopelessness drives me to a corner,
kicking and screaming,
i wish to get an answer.
the emotion so strong,
overwhelming me, drowning out sanity.
I plead, I beseech
but none is enough.
please save me,
I cry once again.
bring me to somewhere new,
I beg you.

is death, the end of everything.

2010-07-26T00:00:00.002+08:00

sadness, in forms of waves crashing me mercilessly.
again and again, consistently.
drowning drowning, i'm drowning.
not flailing my arms, not struggling, i give in.
peace will reside, i just have to lie down.
horizontally.
scenes flashing before me, body heat escaping.
so this is the end, the ultimate end.
the death of everything.
and not just my being.

a recurring mark.

2010-07-25T17:43:00.004+08:00

understanding, residing far from me.
troubling me but I don't try to get facts anymore.
it was a lesson learned, an experience gained.
yes because it's easier yet no,
because it's what we need. ultimately. perhaps.
stoned, I do not wish to think.
do not move onwards without me
but how long, how long?

my hopes come crashing down
despite it been protected by bricks.
weak or perhaps,
it was never stable to begin with.
so hopelessness follows me,
even into the light.
darkness calls upon death,
giving me another chance to beautify myself.
not appearance wise though.
shake it off, you say?
deny your request, sticking to it.
attached itself to my soul,
because in hopelessness I find myself.

2010-07-23T13:18:00.006+08:00

before I go, my dearest.
I ought to tell you and you alone,
how much you mean to me.
you never left my mind,
my heart and soul.
from the moment I saw you,
I never gave considerations to others.
you carved yourself deep into my skin,
onto my bones.
etched there and there you will stay.

cave in to me.

2010-07-20T15:22:00.005+08:00

heavy is the heart, light nowhere to be found
buried deep under the ground, digging but to no avail.
guilt weighs down heavy,
along with other emotions.
speak of none, I will not
as trivial as they are.
it does not matter if you hear,
as long as it's out of me.
it plagued me long enough
and I wish to exonerate.
to you my dear, to you,
freedom starts with you.
so come, come my dearest.
be my escapism, my salvation.
free me from this wretched body,
free me from myself.

all she wanted, was to feel safe.

2010-07-15T19:29:00.005+08:00

building a fort made of pillows
and a blanket draped above.
she hugged her knees close to her chest and curled herself up.
she was alone, only darkness surrounds her.
there was no condemning stares that she has to avoid,
and no unnecessary questions that she was too tired to answer.
she sheds her protective layer,
allowing herself to be vulnerable and weak.
her thoughts she did not restrict,
memories she did not filter.
her vision became blur as tears formed.
her mind started wandering everywhere,
to the ones she love, and the ones she dislikes
all the hurt and happiness she went through
the disappointments and guilts
and to the one she can't let go.
there was no sunlight,
but peace resides
in this chaotic world.

waiting for nothing.

2010-07-10T00:51:00.004+08:00

you came by the opposite direction,
busy getting to your destination
you didn't see me.
pushed back your hair in a headband,
just like the way i first saw you.

your eyes, like two black holes
they just keep looking forward
with no hint of longing for me.
our paths, like two parallel lines,
they will never become a perpendicular.
twist and turn and miraculously avoiding.
under the same sky, yet ironically,
looking at a different one.

amidst the crowded street,
my eyes, they search for you unconsciously.
they laid on you, and almost immediately, the heart wrenches.
stole a second glance,
awkwardness written all over your face.
our eyes, they never met each other.
but looking at your face,
time came to a standstill, everyone seemed to vanish
for that fleeting moment.
but vibrations of the phone snapped me back into reality.
people started walking, blocking my path to you,
blocking my view of vision for you.

it felt like we were both clueless.
it felt like there was still a connection between us.
it felt like we both wanted something we couldn't have.
but i don't know.
maybe this is just what i made up in my imagination.

not as simple as abc.

2010-07-08T19:33:00.004+08:00

every breath I take, equivalent to inhaling a part of us.
closing my eyes, feeling the heart wrench in pain.
numbness washes over me,
and I quickly divert my thoughts.
robbed again, robbed clean of everything.
was taught that speaking your mind,
will be able to change things.
but proven wrong once again,
and I return to the bottomless pit.

I stopped justifying, I stopped reasoning
I let go of the annoyance, I stop feeling the anger.
perhaps everything was already laid out nicely in front of us
but we procrastinated too much
letting the feelings grow and blossom
so now it hurts us,
in every imaginable way.

but life isn't fair,
so why should it be to me?
always the ultimate loser,
although appearing otherwise at first.

they don't really care, but hold on anyway.

2010-07-07T10:32:00.003+08:00

baby steps, one at a time, learning to speak.
from random noises to words that makes sense.
and then, slowly stringing them into sentences.
my thoughts. my inner world.

but sadly, it was stolen, the voice that speaks
by what, I have no idea.
perhaps it was the price of responsibility
or perhaps it was the pointlessness I find
or maybe it was the fear that developed overtime.
I wasn't afraid, I spoke my mind freely.
but not my thoughts. not my inner world.

so tired of justifying, I just want to go home.
if words means nothing once again,
then I'll swallow them back in,
into this black hole I call the heart.

doubts floats around my head,
so why not yours too?
not your fault, neither is it mine
but whose is it then?
or perhaps, linking back,
everything started with me.

all the bullets, shooting at me.
injuring me time and again.
I'll stand up strong, so hit me again.
take your best shot, aim right into the heart.

hanging in between

2010-07-05T21:48:00.004+08:00

fear of the unknown,
bursting the sanity bubble.
fear of the already happened,
drowning out the rationality.
heartbeat palpitating,
perspiring cold sweat.
mind wandering towards target,
thoughts becoming unclear.
eyes zoning out,
questions popping out of nowhere.
not in search of answers,
oh, not in search of answers.

the happiest people are the saddest.

2010-07-02T19:01:00.006+08:00

sighing helplessly,
the jester hangs his head low.
he knows his place,
nothing of a worthy character.
no, not even close.
his words, people scoff and never believes.
heard too many times
that he starts to feel that way too.
sick of this world,
constantly bringing him down.
he doesn't understand humans,
although he is one.
why do they speak ill of him,
when all he did was bring joy.
his world, no one understands,
it only exists in shades of grey.

keeps to himself,
too much too often.
nobody knows of the unhappiness he has,
contained deep in him.
so much so he wishes to be free,
literally.
but do not judge him as a loser who gives up,
the world has disappointed him,
and so has himself.

he never thought this day would come,
the day the thought of giving up crosses his mind.
he wishes to be set free
from the world of deceit,
where happiness doesn't really exist.

you swore you were flying.

2010-06-28T20:55:00.009+08:00

a hectic day, a mind in chaos.
distracted is the word, uncertainty is the fear.
what is heavy during the day, becomes lightweight in the night.
soaking in the moonlight,
relaxing every muscle in the body
but that is not enough,
not enough to stop the heart from pumping.
thoughts overwhelming, rushing to spill out.
close your eyes, she said to me
and nothing can hurt you.
everything will come to a standstill.
the earth stops spinning
the hands on the clock stops moving
welcome sleep, invite him to stay over
for there are endless dreams to talk about.

overlapping.

2010-06-26T00:11:00.004+08:00

I gave up long ago.
But you gave up even earlier.

2010-06-18T12:14:00.003+08:00

my words, they no longer hold any significance.
trust, just can't be tagged on me anymore.
doubt follows me, even into the dark
but i don't blame anyone, especially you.
you have every right in doing so, perhaps,
for i've disappointed you far too many times.
sometimes, even i have trusting issues with myself.
so stick that stamp on me, for now.
but have faith in me, i beseech you,
when i say i am changing for the better.

cloud nine.

2010-06-16T23:50:00.003+08:00

I am a dreamer. A heavy dreamer, that I don’t deny. I have my head up high in the clouds, but my feet firmly on the ground.

I have no beautiful wings to speak of, nor do I have the courage to fly too far. But I am desperate. I desire so much, so much to spread this broken wings of mine. The skies, they are calling out to me, whispering in my ear, telling me of the freedom I can get.

My desires, they burn. Strong and wild. Hungry to fly, to find my own skies, to find a haven I can safely call home.

2010-06-11T17:15:00.003+08:00

a sign, beckoning me to forward
putting down my burden
running forward with all my might
living in denial, no longer an option
fear, exist no more
my eyes, they see nothing but the road ahead
your face, nothing but a fading memory

it was my mistake, for thinking you'll be worth it
an honest mistake.
couldn't get over myself, perhaps
leading me to apologize to you
so i'll be exonerated, from myself, maybe

tired of saying this,
but this time
this time,
it's the end.

2010-06-10T16:40:00.002+08:00

stoned
your face appears
a text all typed out
a thought expressed
strength drained
message left unsent
heavy eyelids
mind wide awake
trapped between sleep and being awake
struggles to think
lost
sleep sets in
morning sun breaks out

and when night falls,
everything repeats.

2010-06-09T01:53:00.003+08:00

love crept in, quietly and carefully.
when did it happen, I am not aware.
settling itself, ready for a long stay.
surrendering myself, accepting defeat.

this love, realized too late.
silently, I leave.
but my heart, my heart it stays rooted.
helpless, I give up.

someday, somehow.

wives.

2010-06-05T19:05:00.008+08:00

I've been feeling hopeless ever since 1st of June. It's not a bad thing, though.

Ironically, I've been feeling really happy ever since June started. Sometimes, I still think about us, but that's it. That's all it is.

Maybe it's because, I'm really satisfied with my life right now. Nothing could go wrong, absolutely nothing.

Maybe this is what I'm searching for, this simple thing.

anywhere, everywhere.

2010-06-04T13:17:00.002+08:00

Hi, please do not judge me by my unglamorous pictures.
Thank you very much.

FUNny.

2010-06-03T13:03:00.006+08:00

Although some are blurred, I just thought that these photos are interestingly funny.

timeless.

2010-06-01T00:02:00.004+08:00

Let's see what's new in my life, currently.

I love my Blackberry.
My right eye is irritating the hell out of me.
I have nothing better to say anymore.
Having two weeks holidays from school!
PP approved, got to start work on a 2000 word report.
Java assignment still left untouched, collecting virtual dust.
Am back to being a fangirl.
I got a hair cut, and am thinking of getting it shorter.
I stopped writing, well, at least not for people to see.

I miss you. Everyday. Stronger and stronger. Swallowing me. One day, it will. Perhaps.

disconnecting.

2010-05-30T22:13:00.005+08:00

I'm good now. Really good now. I don't mean to keep harping on this issue but I'd like to put a closure to it now.

You judged me, that hurts but I couldn't care less anymore. You think what you want, and I'll do whatever pleases me. I've accepted everything, everything you did and said. In short, I've accepted reality. I stopped deceiving myself. However, I don't deny that there's a part of me that's still living in the past. I'm split into two. One in the past, the other in the present. One is a dreamer, the other is a realist. One with so much emotions, the other indifferent to everything.

Thoughts drift to you, to us, I don't hold back. Yes, I still hope to see your name appear in my inbox. Silly, I am aware. Occasionally, I think of what could have been if we were still good. I wonder at how certain things will end up if everything were different and yes, occasionally, I still get heartaches when I'm reminded of what I had and lost, but do not be worried for me, for letting go doesn't mean I have to pretend things didn't happen. These heartaches are a proof. Proof of what I had, of what I've done to bring myself here, at this stage.

You are not my first thought every morning anymore, but you are the one I think of before I close my eyes every night. I wonder where you are, and what you are doing. How sad for me, isn't it? I do not forget you, I do not forget us. I am still holding on, despite everything.

You seem to have moved on and me? I'm in the midst of doing so.

goodnight, goodbye.

2010-05-21T23:01:00.013+08:00

I'm sick of myself. Literally. All these thoughts of you, annoying the hell out of me. And all these, in turn, annoying you. I never meant anything in a bad way, but you failed to see that, misunderstanding me. It is fully my fault, that, I don't deny. So, I'm sorry, sincerely.

Sorry for being such an annoyance to you. Sorry to all the things I did and never do. Sorry that you are still in my mind, sorry for being so stubborn, unable to let go. Sorry for still holding on to that hope that things will turn around and get better between the two of us.

Sometimes, when I get too upset or when I recall all those things you said, I die a little inside, but when hope hits me, it revives. And of course, I know better than to get all hopeful because in reality, it doesn't work that way. It was my own doing after all, for this day to come.

Every thought of us, makes me cringe. Yes, I do miss you. Whenever I think about all those negative things you said, I will always try my very best not to let it get to me. Instead, I try and think about all those moments that I enjoyed. Sometimes, I'll get all smiley and get really contented with what I had but sometimes, I'll want more of it.

And now, I can only drown in my own sorrows, in what could have been. I had a second chance, but I blew it. I, single handedly, destroyed everything. Someday, somehow, I know. I'll bounce back, stronger than before.

"Because I'm not worth it." That, I quote from you. I got pretty annoyed when I heard that but I don't try to argue anymore. If you believe you are not worth it, then so will I.

I'm so tired, but contented. I'm happy that I'm leading a happier life than before. Happy that I have such great friends to keep me going through the days. Happy that I have some important people in my life to live and feel different emotions for and not mop around everyday reminiscing the past.

So, I'll say goodbye to my yesterdays and live for the moment, something I couldn't quite grasp before I met you. And as for myself, I hope someday you will totally be evicted out from my mind, my heart.

And you, dearest, will not remember me as annoying.

mistake

2010-05-20T14:50:00.003+08:00

let's just stay low.
out of sight.
out of mind.
out of reach.

let's pretend none of this happened.
you are still you.
I am still me.
we never existed.

let's go back to zero.
judgements we made recently,
all erased.
troubles of us,
all gone.

I'll go back to how it was,
and so will you.
for all this was a mistake,
right from the start.

it was my fault,
for this day to come.

wronged

2010-05-18T21:29:00.005+08:00

each morning as the sun rays hits my face
thoughts of dying dirtied my mind
glad to be alive, I should be thinking
but the burden, oh the burden
getting heavier
with every breath I take
weighing down on my shoulders
my darling, I really wish to be free

she haunts you, dear.
but you, you are haunting me.
shadows lurking, enveloping, suffocating
footsteps getting heavier, gradually
vision blurring, thoughts filled

called out your name,
you brushed me off,
walking away.
returning to the world of you and her ghost
"I live in a different time.", you said

helpless and tired
asking you to get out of my world
but oh, how much I wish to take that back.

exonerate

2010-05-17T20:58:00.002+08:00

who was the one,
who left.
who was the one,
who stayed.

built a barrier,
you don't bother breaking it.

so goodbye,
goodbye on a happy note.

for i am free.

unchanged

2010-05-13T18:32:00.002+08:00

lost to time,
lost to your past.

standing, waiting here
to give you what I couldn't, previously.

for penning down my feelings,
will never be enough.

fading out

2010-05-12T22:58:00.003+08:00

tonight, my heart died
cold and numb
scowling at every thought of us
it dies a little
each time i recall your words
and reality sets in

there's only so much i can do
fighting a one-sided battle
braving this alone
when you, you've long reached home
safe, secure and out of reach

but forgive me once more
for i seek your understanding
i can't let this go
knowing well we're over
unable to or not willing
unsure once again

please do not scoff
as i am but a weak human
crying, wishing and hoping
getting myself nowhere but deeper down the earth
why, oh why
why do i not see the truth
even when it comes smacking in my face

your face i abhor, tonight
grimacing at my hands
the hands you once held
tired and disgusted
with everything regarding you

puzzled at myself
why is it so hard?
why why why,
nothing but a recurring question

psychotic

2010-05-11T23:46:00.005+08:00

i am everything but free
held on by you on thin breakable threads
how i want to be exonerated
moving on with cautiousness
daring threads to snap

hand supporting my head
thoughts drift to you
oh, how vicious can you be?
attacking me again and again
hurting real badly

leeching memories
for it is the only thing
that made me feel close to you
the only thing
that soothes the emptiness

a little troublemaker, aren't you?
causing someone to think about you
every minute on the hour
indifferent you are
passing days in your safe little cage

tonight, tonight
you captured my attention again
how i crave for you,
for you to put me in your heart
but it's occupied,
how sad for myself

fighting with a person of the past
how do i even win?

and how do you sleep at night,
if you knew i never gave up.

darkness reigns

2010-05-09T22:11:00.001+08:00

night falls, and my thought goes to you
the emptiness, oh how i welcome thee
a habit i never tried my best to change
although secretly hoping it'll disappear one day
for it was painful
and you never knew about the heartache

playing by the strings
oh, maybe i am but a fool
hanging on to every worthless word
holding on with every ounce of strength
doing the opposite of what everyone says
wrong, am i not?
digging at my own grave

memories come flooding back
leeching on them
i close my eyes and smile
we were once someone
in each others lives

and when dawn breaks
i open my eyes
you come to my head once again
then the pain strikes me
knowing you'll not be beside me
oh, how i sigh for us

tired and frustrated
lost and confused
unsure of what i want
giving up and escaping
bombards my mind
but the more i think
the more i want you here

lose my rationality, lose my sense
maybe you are a habit, a part of my life
getting rid of you, losing a part of me
oh, how that scares me.

wave after wave.

2010-05-06T15:17:00.009+08:00

I finally came to a conclusion.

I'm not important and am dispensable to a few. And if that's the case, why am I still holding on like a fool? I always ask myself that question, and I always get a recurring answer.

"Because they mean something to me."

Well, too bad for myself, I don't mean anything to them.

Nothing really matters to me anymore. I just want to be happy. I'm really tired of all these drama in my life. I don't need all these problems encircling my life. First was bad enough, the second just made it worse.

The first doesn't hurt that much, for he just don't know what he wants and me, I expected it more or less. I was fighting a losing battle, but I was too stubborn. I want to fight, I don't believe in surrendering, even when I've lost. I was surprised at myself, for saying certain things. I never knew I had so much courage, but still, nothing changed. He left the game and it struck me. It was a one-sided fight. I was the one who can't let go. I was the fool. All the things he said, I don't even know which to believe in.

Second was disappointing. I was speechless, I was deeply misunderstood. I tried my very best to clear it, saying everything that I thought I could keep it a secret for as long as I can. I don't know if anything is going to change, and I don't even know if change is good now. And the words, I never knew it'll sting so much.

Leave, go ahead.

But I know myself too well, even I doubt myself when I say I'm letting go. For tomorrow, I might just want to fight all over again.

I've never felt so helpless. So helpless to the extend that I just want to escape from everything. I really want to. I really don't know if what I've said can actually help, but when actions can't be shown, I can only rely on words and probably hope for the best.

Maybe I'm some psycho, but I like this pain feeling. Makes everything around me more real. Makes me feel alive, and it forces me to think, decide, accept and change. Most importantly, it opens up my eyes to see who are the ones I should be thankful for.

2010-05-02T16:04:00.003+08:00

but don't take me the wrong way.

i don't hate you, i don't blame you.
i have nothing against you.

it's my own problem.
too stubborn, too foolish.
can't let go, have to hold on.
i need something to believe in
to help me pass my days.

and no,
i'm not trying to be an attention seeking bitch.

reckless abandon.

2010-05-01T17:39:00.006+08:00

I never wanted any of this anyway. No, I'm not consoling myself. All that I've said, was just a quarter of what I think, of what I want.

See, right from the start, I just wanted you beside me. Then, when you proposed that question, I see it as a bonus. I like that I can think of you freely, whenever and wherever I want. I like that I can miss you and not feel like I've lost you. I like that you are talking to me first but most importantly, I like that we are someone in each others' lives.

You left nothing but words that hurt. Your apologies, somehow, I half heartedly accepted them. I never believed that you are really sorry, you are just sorry you got caught up in your own lies.

You were someone I trusted and believed in, a lot. Too bad, I stopped. But words that you spoke of in our yesterdays, I'll choose to believe them and I'll still choose to believe that you really meant what you said.

You know what, this time I'll be the bad guy. You don't have to avoid me.

I'll avoid you.

2010-04-29T19:55:00.007+08:00

This is getting too much, I'm getting tired. I want everyone to shut up, including myself. I want all my thoughts to sort out themselves. I want everything to be good again, I want us to be good again. I want to start running away, I want to ignore everything and everyone. I don't want to make decisions, I want to go along with you. I want to stick to you, I want your skin against mine. I just want to spend my time with you. I just want to be happy. Happier. I want to be invisible. I want to stop time. I want everything and everything to go smoothly or better yet, the way I want it to.

I just want to do things for myself. I don't want to compromise with people. I want my own life. I don't want to deal with myself. I don't want to deceive myself anymore. I don't want to think about this anymore.

Swear this shit.
I sound like a sticker.
I sound like an asshole.

2010-04-26T20:53:00.003+08:00

listen to me,
look at me.
say nothing,
feel everything.

in just one night
i'll bare all of me,
letting you penetrate through my heart and soul,
my skin and bones

see the helplessness in each others' eyes
while we sigh at our loss
i will leave you the next moment,
with no regrets in my decision

2010-04-24T21:25:00.002+08:00

in your arms,
i've never felt so safe.
the sound of your heartbeat,
beating against my ear.
the rhythmic pounding,
became my lullaby.

you gave in,
you lost to yourself.
i was not enough,
but you were worth the risk.

why do i not see,
that you are not worth it.
why do i continue fighting,
when i've already lost.

2010-04-21T19:59:00.002+08:00

why did I deny myself of all emotions,
at this heartbreaking moment.
lost in this moment,
can't let go, was told to give up
what am I supposed to do?

so many words left unsaid
yet I don't want to be loser
a loser who clings on,
a loser who can't win.

I wanted so much for you to shut up,
I wanted so much to run.
but nothing.
nodded and smile,
with words trapped in my mouth.

I don't want to regret,
I want to fight for it.

and be injured all over again.

2010-04-18T11:28:00.002+08:00

so exhausted,
physically and emotionally.
but thoughts attack every night
sleep lost through this game

felt the warmth on my hand
and the smell that lingers
heart wants to agree
yet the brain is stopping
both as stubborn
not willing to lose

know so clear,
to live for the moment
and leave the future to unravel itself
but it's just not enough to risk

2010-04-17T01:05:00.003+08:00

the voice, the expressions, the panic,
haunting me whenever I try to sleep.
images replaying when I close my eyes,
sounds in my mind drowning out everything else.
the fear, so deafening.

food shared is always so nice.
now that I eat alone,
I can't even finish it.
I'm so used to the three of us
that not seeing either one just makes me uneasy
not eating with them, is even worse
decisions aren't made wisely, too

oh, how now?

unrequited, swear that bullshit.

2010-04-09T16:09:00.003+08:00

this will be the last of you
invading my every thought
for you were unworthy and undeserving
at least in my eyes you are now
enough of fighting for you
I have better things to do
and better people to fight for
you were never one of them
I didn't manage to see then
all the time wasted
but what irony
for at that time
it wasn't a waste at all

I tend to think horribly about people
and you are no exception
but I chose the easy way out
choosing to believe every word you said

swear all these shit
you are going to be no more important than I am to you
much less talk about significance
unless you show and let me know
that you should be someone special
but I know better

this, will be the very last of you.

2010-04-05T16:39:00.007+08:00

Sometimes, I look over my wants and needs. I look over my own feelings. I don't know what's best for myself, I don't even know what I want or need. I just know I got to be strong. For myself, for my sanity, for my peace of mind. I have no time for fear, no time to feel weak for I only have myself to count on. I expect a lot of things from myself, but I never really expected anyone to do anything for me. I guess, I'm pretty selfish with myself.

I forget things. I forget that three's a crowd. I forget that I'm a third party. I forget that I'm one person. I forget that things are not like they used to be anymore. In those little arguments, I walk as far as possible. I act ignorant because they just remind me of how alone I am. And that fear, deafening.

I feel stupid. Stupid for all the things I've done, stupid for all the people that I've trusted. Up till now, I still can't believe it. I get all helpless when I think about it. Why were you like that, why did you do that? You knew it, yet you didn't restrict yourself around her. What were you thinking? And whenever I want to describe that disbelief, I just can't seem to find the right words to. I'm not able to describe how miserable I felt then. About you, about what you've done. I can't erase them, no matter how hard I try. That feeling, I can't forget. The way you seemed happy, disgusts me. From then on, you've soiled the image I have of you.

2010-04-04T23:32:00.006+08:00

I finally understood why I was so upset this few days. All the tears that I've accumulated these past few days, all let out within one night. I feel so much better now.

I really have to apologize to my besties though. I've been the killjoy for gatherings, saying no to all the fun things. But at that time, I really didn't have the mood for anything.

Gone, gone were those days.

2010-04-03T23:56:00.003+08:00

I miss the better half of myself.

The half that's still unharmed by the workings of the heart. That half that's still unexposed to the trust issues among humans. All smiles and laughter, and fun is all that matters.

But I guess everyone has to grow up; Have to realize the bitter part of reality and change accordingly. We can't be stuck at that certain glorious part of our lives. We have to move forward too. Have to, no matter how much we are unwilling to.

I miss the better half of myself, terribly.

2010-03-31T23:16:00.003+08:00

I love it when it rains.
looking at the drops hitting my hand,
I smiled.

from the bottom of my heart.

it's not an option.

2010-03-30T00:51:00.002+08:00

stop wavering and stick to your decision.

you know you've had enough,

you know there's no chance.

stop holding on,

start letting go.

because it's the only choice now.

runtastic.

2010-03-29T00:33:00.002+08:00

screams filled the air,

gasping for more oxygen.

running, escaping

from the fear that's closing in on us.

laughter escaped our mouths,

at how ridiculous everyone was.

but that's probably the beauty of it all.

helpless sighs.

2010-03-26T16:15:00.005+08:00

but the thought of pouring out everything inside me to a person scares me.

I'm just making myself more vulnerable to that person.

it's like, I'm welcoming that person to hurt me.

so what was I thinking, when I said I'll bare everything out to you?

I don't know.

But I trust you so much.

you make me feel so, assured.

sigh.

2010-03-23T23:29:00.006+08:00

I've been hanging out at Starbucks way too much.

I'm craving for vanilla latte but never had it because I was too afraid it'll keep me up all night.

I really like hanging out at Starbucks, because it struck me recently that I feel it's actually a place I always run to when I need a breather from thinking about stuffs.

On top of that, I'm so addicted to coffee.

I hate insomnia.

I hate how I lose my sleep over thinking about you.

I hate how I've mixed up reality world and fantasy world.

I'm sick and tired of constantly thinking about you.

I don't know if I miss you.

but I want to hear your voice, your laughter.

I'm afraid.

what if all that's between us are silence?

No matter how much I don't want to let that happen,

I don't know if I can actually do it.

You know, if I had the courage, I'll tell you everything.

although I don't have much to say.

I'll confess everything to you.

when you grow up, your heart dies.

2010-03-15T21:58:00.003+08:00

the fun that's gradually disappearing
numbers probing us to be wiser
stubborn as a mule
never letting that get its way
clueless and helpless
finding joy in every smallest crack on the wall

pathetic creatures we are
trying so hard
to get away from heartaches, confusion, hatred
unsure of the number of steps we have to take
but taking them as big as possible

the past we shake loose
the present we endure
the future we can't comprehend

power of rock.

2010-03-14T01:04:00.005+08:00

Purple, the start of the night.
soul and heart, taken away.
the occasional adrenaline rush,
the touching moments.
sitting at the edge of the chair,
allowing myself to be lost.
so absorbed in his world,
I almost forgot to breathe.

but nothing lasts forever,
everything has to end.

purple lights, the ending of everything.

replaying the scenes again,
not forgetting even the smallest details.

it's you, not us.

2010-03-11T17:09:00.008+08:00

I have a lot to say, after what happened.

Last night, I did a lot of thinking. I just don't understand why did all these have to happen? Maybe you went through lots of things before we knew you, resulting you in treating us like this. Maybe you lost trust in humans, maybe, you did all these to protect yourself. I don't know. I'm really clueless. This are only my assumptions, I don't know you that well. I'm not in a position to judge anything, to conclude anything. But too bad I'm busy protecting myself against you, so there's hardly any space left for me to be friends with you whole heartedly.

Whatever it is. I think we ought to thank you. You're helping us realize who's good for us, and who's not.

give me a mask, and i'll start speaking the truth.

2010-03-08T23:16:00.005+08:00

I seem to lose all knowledge of myself.

But I guess I don't have to start explaining,
or start finding excuses for myself
because that, will just make everything worse.

bad > good

2010-03-07T01:40:00.010+08:00

Just shut up la, talk so much.

a hint of..

2010-03-06T00:55:00.002+08:00

things changed,
feelings stayed.

the days that were once so clear
playing in vivid colours
became so vague
available only in black and white

memories that we held on
fading away, bit by bit
like a fire burning
at the tip
destroying everything in the way

the times we spent complaining
the years we hoped to fast forward
now we sigh at what we didn't cherish
wishing it'll all be back

plan B.

2010-03-05T12:55:00.004+08:00

we started the day,
with reminiscences.

but happiness doesn't stay
sadness creeping in slowly.

at the end of the day,
we all had one thing in common,
our mind was in a whirl.
thoughts running wild,
doubts we can't comprehend.

troubled, with different things.

we can be each others' secret.

2010-03-03T19:31:00.007+08:00

And just so you know right, that hurt feeling I secretly love it, it makes me feel so alive and human.

2010-03-02T19:43:00.002+08:00

Spongebob: What do you usually do when I'm gone?
Patrick: Wait for you to come back.

bloody monday night.

2010-03-01T23:07:00.001+08:00